"Never Fully Charged"

It's been over 8 months since my last blog post. I know that's sounds awful but I haven't been well and for the first time in a long time I have learned to pick and chose where I put my energy and a blog post (for me) takes a lot of work.

Today I had an epiphany while chatting with my colleague Ann Marie. I was sharing with her my disappointment in the way I have been feeling and work output and she texted "Never fully charged! Hard to start a year on a low low battery." She's so right. I don't realize that I will never be 100% all the time ever again and I need to come to terms with that.

This summer was awesome. Lennie and I took holidays and did some wonderful adventures to Vermont, Boston, Bermuda, and Calumet. We had his brother and family visit, friends in from Germany, and did many projects around the house.

We even adopted 2 kittens that we have be waiting to do for a long time.

For the first time in a long time I felt good and even did some runs at the track and then...I started to feel I had the flu. I know what that means, I know when I am not well.

A flu that wouldn't go away. A flu that caused terrible headaches. A flu that caused a rash. Then I found a bubble on my side that we thought it was poison ivy or prickly heat rash. But, the headaches, chills, and sweats continued and I thought maybe I had the chicken pox and I couldn't take it any more so I took myself to the ER.

They quickly took me in, did blood work, got me on an IV and put me in isolation. Many teams came thru and looked at me and said lots of "oohs" and "ahas" and then referred me to infectious diseases. They attended and quickly said that I had something called Disseminated Zoster virus. It's Shingles but in 7 different parts of my body. I needed to be hospitalized, put on antiviral, kept away from others who may or may not of had chicken pox and that I was really sick.

I knew it. I knew I was in bad shape. The pain was unbearable and they quickly got me numerous pain and sleep meds. I don't remember much after that till about 4 days later where I woke up on the 6th floor at Vic. Hospital in an isolation room. The body pain was better, I still had a wicked headache and sores all over my body including my face and eye. Teams came thru and talked to me, an eye specialist came and did tests, IVs continued and I slept.

In 2007 when I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease we made the decision that I would take immune suppressors to fight that disease BUT it would make me more susceptible to viruses. Well, here it is, a tough virus to deal with. Also, complicating this fight was the stupid thyroid cancer that always squeezes its way into every problem and certainly doesn't help the cause with its medication and ridiculous aftermath.

Lennie and my parents visited but it was difficult because you had to dress in protective stuff.

Of course I started to panic because the list of things I wanted to get done at school before the kids arrived started to add up. New staff room, bulletin boards, calls to families, and meetings needed to be accomplished. Plus we had a new VP joining our team and I wanted to do a good job creating a trusting, respectful relationship as an admin partnership.

After several more days I started to get very upset because I didn't feel I was getting any better, my care was getting mismanaged due to an unbelievably busy floor at Vic, and I was lonely in this room 24 hours a day. I begged to go home and after some difficult conversations with many Dr teams they let my mom bring me home promising to stay away from others and wear a protective mask for a while.

They gave me another 7 days of oral antiviral meds and I came home to be looked after by the kitties.

So now here I am 2 weeks into the school year and "never fully charged" from this summer has been tough! Unfortunately, part of the hospital plan was to remove me from my methotrexate that I take for my Crohn's disease because it is an immune suppressor which would have counteracted the antiviral so of course, 3 weeks off that has caused all my auto immune stuff to flare up.

It feels like my body doesn't know what to fight - you know when you have too many apps open on your devices and it makes you feel like it is not functioning as well as it should? Well, my body is trying to decide where to put its energy. Crohn's, arthritis, shingles, school, psoriasis, thyroid, doctorate, vertigo?

What I have realized today is that I will never be fully charged because of the numerous functions my body is trying to manage. I have already made huge sacrifices to conserve my body's battery energy to work full time and do my doctorate but, I am going to have to make even more.

I am happy that I was able to do a blog, that must be a good sign. I am also 8 months from finishing the doctorate which takes a lot of energy. I am also back on the methotrexate which should kick in soon and handle all the autoimmune symptoms well.

So I just need to relax, take a day at a time, ask for help from others, be patience and recognize my "new normal" of  being "never fully charged" will be ok.

What do you do to re charge your batteries?  Is that important to you? Anyone else feeling the "too many apps open" squeeze?

NYC - I saw the signs

So, last winter I applied to run the 2012 NYC Marathon. 

I had run the Chicago Marathon twice and heard that in order to run NYC you must apply and get your name pulled through a lottery process.  My running bud Lish told me that if we apply for 3 years and do not get our names pulled that you are guaranteed a spot the next year, so we applied to start that process.  Little did I know that my luck would kick in April when they did the lottery and my name was pulled. 

I was actually very upset but didn't tell anyone.  I had plans to run the Chicago Marathon with the REACT thyroid foundation charity on October 7th and this one was going to be a month later on November 4th - that would be too much for me and I would enjoy neither race.  Lish said not too worry because I could take it easy in Chicago and use it as a training run for NYC. 

What everyone did not know was that I was sick and had not run yet in 2012.  How could I run Chicago without any base training let alone a 2nd one 4 weeks later? 

After several doctors appt. and fixing some "chick stuff" plus Crohns disease stuff I was finally running again on June 10, 2012.  Problem was that I was way behind the plan.  I had no energy and my joints ached more than normal.  Turns out that I now have arthritis and it sucks.  I needed to take it easy, slow down and take a lot more rest days.  Leading up to Chicago I was feeling good but knew I didn't have the same stamina I had in the previous years.  I ran Chicago on my 44th birthday - October 7th and we all saw how that went - went out too fast and had no energy to push myself at anytime. Finished but it sucked.

So, I came home from Chicago devastated and embarrassed, joined Good Life Fitness so I could continue to train indoors and use the treadmill to get my pace back.  I spoke to a nutritionist and was feeling great about NYC.  I had never been to NYC and was a tad nervous about the size of the race (47,000 runners) and the city itself.  My mom would come with me and help me get through it all.

I made a shirt and checked the weather daily.  Things were looking good until about a week before the race a hurricane struck the east coast and cause severe damage to the state of New Jersey and New York City. 

Little did we know the extent of the damage and the widespread problems that water, sand, and winds caused to this area.  We watched the news and weather reports and on Tuesday October 30th an announcement was made that the race was still on.

Friday morning mom and I got to the Buffalo airport and our flight had arrived to take us to NYC - a good sign. 

We had a great flight as it is not very far to NYC where I saw the city for the first time ever and was so thrilled to catch a glimpse of the skyline of Manhattan. 

We did not know about the problems with the gas shortage or widespread electricity issues but my brother John did and because he was so worried about us he arranged for a car service to get us to our hotel.  I have never had a driver hold a sign up with our name on it let alone ride in a Mercedes SUV - we were pimped out. 

Right away the driver explained to us the problems in the city and about all the gas/electricity issues.  As we drove we saw the long line ups at the gas stations, no traffic lights and people walking to get home without any public transportation.  He got us to the hotel in 1 piece and we were able to check in - another good sign. 

We immediately went to the expo and I got my bid and started shopping for cool race gear.  And then, out of no, where I saw him...Ryan Hall my favourite runner at a booth signing autographs.  He signed my bib last year in Chicago and I got a personal best time - I wonder if he signed it again this year if NYC would be where I break 6 hours.  I was so thrilled to see him again and we chatted it up.  Another good sign..

We left and went out for dinner and grabbed a coffee when I received several texts and messages that people were sorry to hear the marathon was cancelled.  I thought everyone was kidding until we got back to the hotel and watched the live broadcast of the cancellation.   I was fine with the decision as it did not feel right.  How could I be running when no one was able to celebrate when they had lost so much.  It was a sign...a sign to stop and appreciate what we have, and a chance to come back next year, faster and stronger when everyone could celebrate.

Saturday morning we headed back to the expo as we had arranged a bus trip called Marathon Route in a Coach tour.  A four hour tour of the marathon route and city.  This was the best thing as we learned everything there is to learn about NYC, saw all of NYC, and I was able to see how difficult of a marathon route it is.  I think this was a good sign...  I need to be much lighter, faster, and stronger if I want to finish this race well - it is sooo hilly.  One of the most wonderful sites on our tour was seeing ground zero and the construction of the Freedom Tower.  It rises about the city and it is like a beacon of survival and hope. 

We saw all the boroughs, all the sites but was sadden to see such sorrow for so many.  the gas lines were so long and the lack of power left many people freezing.  We saw houses and cars wreaked by the winds, water, and rain. 

We finished the tour and got back in time to see the Lion King - I cried as soon as the curtains open, the singing started, and the elephants came down the aisles.   We went out for dinner that night to a wonderful Italian restaurant after a very full day. 

I forgot that for lunch I even got to eat really NYC style pizza in our favourite part of the city; Williamsburg which is in Brooklyn and the marathon runs right past a street of amazing shops, cafes and pizza places. Next year I look forward to seeing this part of NYC again with all the people out to cheer us on.

 

Sunday morning we woke up and heard that many of the marathon runners were in Staten Island helping all the people there with bringing supplies to those in need.  Another 1/3 of the runners went home, ran other races or didn't come and the other 1/3 were in Central Park.  I put on my NYC marathon shirt and we hit the park with thousands of other runners running laps and celebrating a makeshift marathon.  We cheered for an hour as people ran by and then we joined in the fun.  Many people had come to cheer the runners on from all over the world.  Mom and I could not believe the countries represented.  I would need to make a better shirt next year with the "Canada" letters much bigger.   

I then asked mom if we could hit all the spots and do all the things I have ever wanted to do in NYC.  She was game and had her running shoes on so we walked to Bloomingdale's, shopped (I knew I needed to get Megan something from here) and we had lunch.  Went to the Empire State Building which is so gorgeous and walked back to Times Square for photos and to see if we could get tickets to another show.  No tickets were available so we found a great place for dinner (Mexican our favourite), a way to donate my clothes to charity and saw the NYFD on 8th Avenue to say thank you and see their memorial wall to their fallen firefighters. 

I know we did soooo much more but am forgetting a ton.  It was an amazing 4 days.  Thank you to everyone for your care and thoughts while I tried to complete this race this year.  I promise you that this was not a waste of time, it was the best thing for me.  I love doing stuff with my mom and we haven't had a trip together since San Antonio in 2006 plus it showed me that I need to work harder next year to train for this race.  I know the city will bounce back and the people will overcome all of this..they always do.  I am excited to return to celebrate in true NYC style with the people that deserve to be happy.

 

My favourite part of the trip was when I was saying goodbye to Lennie in the parking lot on Thursday night to head to Buffalo.  He asked me to hold out my hand and he placed his most prized possession on my finger...his dad's dog tag.  He told me to wear it in good health and for good luck.  I tied it to my shoe and was hoping that I wouldn't lose it - I tied it 3 times to my laces and under the tongue part so it wouldn't fall off.  I wore it everywhere it was a good sign...

Chicago Marathon 2012

Yep, I did it. I ran, I mean jogged, ok walked a bit too, finishing my 3rd marathon. The time does not matter but it does suck and I didn't make the paper this time :( I had a really angry blog to post because of how the race unfolded and then adding insult to injury I didn't get a medal (they ran out at the 6:13 mark) ((the photo above is with a stranger's medal I asked to borrow for this photo)) but I realized I was feeling sorry for myself and was being a baby, so I deleted the post.

I can't blame anyone or Chicago for my race or results.

This was not an easy running season. No need for the gory details but me getting to the start line is a bit of a miracle and crossing the finish line is really even more amazing. I was running for the REACH thyroid research team and didn't want to let anyone down so plodded through the tough training cycle.

Not having run at all till June was problem #1, being more tired than normal after each run requiring more rest was problem #2 and, running every single run for 19 weeks alone except for 1 was huge problem #3.

I was sick for months and it really didn't get anything resolved until late May with a stupid GI surgery, gallstones, and a ton of tests. Having no thyroid, Crohn's disease and "chick" issues took months to deal with and took its toll.

But, I was determined to "get to the start line and cross the finish line". I did, and I can say I am a 3 time marathoner.

The expo was terrific with all the runners names written on the Nike wall again and cool social media interactive booths.

The weekend was wonderful with Kevin and the family spoiling us from Friday to Monday.

A wonderful carb load dinner was my favourite along with a surprise birthday celebration after the race for my 44th.

I also got one of my favourite photos ever of me and Mr Fun. At mile 11 he followed me, video taping me as I passed and my mom and cousins were making us laugh as I passed saying I was "almost there".

In two weeks I head to NYC for their marathon and a wonderful trip with my mom.

"Hair" today, gone tomorrow

Let's be honest, I'm a solid 7. 

On a good day, a 7 1/2, at a few weddings an 8 and on my wedding day I think I hit my high at 8 1/2. 

I am not glamorous, gorgeous, hot, pretty, cute or any of those things.  I think people would describe me as nice.  Nothing too outlandish or memorable just nice. 

Growing up, because I was so active, my mom always made me have a short hair cut so that my hair would not get in my eyes when I was swimming or dancing.  I hated it because I was always called a boy.  But, it was very thin and fine textured so growing it long was not an option.

As I got older, I grew my hair out thicker and eventually it could wear a ponytail like everyone else and even used hot rollers to curl it all the time.  I trimmed it often but pretty much had hair down past my shoulders, all one length and straight as an arrow. 

It seemed to be pretty good in the 90s and I even had a short stint as a hair model. 

I wore it the same way every single day for the past million years.  I actually wore up it up in a bun or pony tail every day.  Once in a while I would wear it half up/half down or with a hair comb and people would always comment on it being nice.  But, it would drive me nuts and be so hot when I had it down so even on those days when I wore it down, by the end of the day, it was up in a bun.

So, when it started to really fall out recently due to all the meds I am taking, I do not know why I started to get upset.  I had to grease it to my head on the left side to cover the hole that was starting to appear and my forehead was turning into a five head with the hair line moving so far back.  I first noticed the hair loss in my eye lashes, then my eye brows, and then my legs.  No shaving or waxing needed here. 

I really just wanted it to last through to last Saturday for my cousin Sharon's wedding.  It did and today I needed to go get it cut off.  It actually was driving me nuts.  Not only was there hair everywhere in our house but it was so heavy and would drive me nuts when running.

So, here is the adventure at the hair salon today. 

You can imagine the look on my stylist's face when I walked in and told her to cut it all off.  She actually said I "need to take a minute".  I brought some pictures in that my friend Jamie had found and a magazine that my co-worker Laurie had brought in with all kinds of short hair styles in it.  Sara, the stylist looked at the pictures and asked me if I was sure and then she saw the hole on the left side, the thinning, and when she went to comb it, she saw what I was talking about when I said it was falling out. 

So, she put my hair in a braid and cut away.  The whole place was watching and I even saw a woman go get another women and heard them talking about "the girl who was going to cut all her hair off". 

I was thrilled when Sara told me that I would be able to donate it - I thought you could not donate coloured hair (I had a few highlights in there) but she assured me that the people that pick it up for wigs said they will take coloured hair.  Cool, I get to help someone with hair stuff too. My braid was 11 inches long - I measured it as Sara was checking out the pictures that I brought it.  Wow was it heavy too.  Even though it was thinning, I can't believe how heavy it really was.  When I would run, it would be so heavy because it would be wet - I wonder if I will be faster now?

I teared up a tad when she actually cut the hair off but not because I was sad over the hair being gone but because I was so happy to have it gone.  A weight was lifted.  Some weird feeling came over me and it was a sense of freedom or lightness that I really can't describe. 

I think I actually have been using my hair to hide behind all these years.  That is why I wear glasses too.  You can feel that you are hiding behind your glasses and hair and that people do not have to see the real you.  Growing up I used to wear big baggy clothes so that people could not really see what I looked like.  You can imagine how difficult it was for a tomboy growing up when Spandex came into fashion - kill me!

But, this is one of those great things that cancer has helped me to realize, I do not need to hide anymore.  Even if the rest of it falls out, I feel great and realize that it comes down to the old saying...it is what is on the inside that matters most.

So, here I am with new short, short, short hair, no glasses or makeup. 

A solid 7 1/2 :) 



Finally a Break...through

"In running it is man against himself, the cruelest of opponents. The other runners are not the real enemies. His adversary lies within him, in his ability with brain and heart to master himself and his emotions."

I have been thinking about this quote a lot recently and today was the day to prove it.

I participated in a 10k called Run for the House for the Ronald McDonald charity.  My friend Tracy told me to run it and I was excited because I signed up 6 weeks ago even before the Forest City Races.  I knew that in order to start running faster, I needed to train faster and compete in short races to practice my pacing.  So, do you remember back on May 1st when I ran a 1:17 but only after 2 weeks of training and 4 weeks post op?  Well, today is 8 weeks post op and I have been training well including a lot of cross training with the On Your Left cycling team.

I must admit that prepping for today was not perfect.  The training went well but the last couple of nights have been busy.  Went out Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday and had a couple of cocktails ta boot.  I did eat some pasta last night and watched my water yesterday and made sure I ate something this morning when I got up. 

I had Lennie drop me off so I didn't need to carry keys.  As soon as I got there I saw my buds Sheila, Lisa, Andrea, Leanne, Rene and of course my running motivator Glen.  Glen and I have been chatting about races for many months and I was excited for him to run too with his son Tyler.  Glen is really fast and I have been following him on Daily Mile so it is great to remain motivated when the site holds you accountable to all those that follow you.  Check it out at http://www.dailymile.com/.

They called the racers to the start line and we were off very quickly.  There were only about 60 runners so I knew that I would be in last place for most of the race and that I had to remain focused and not discouraged.  (the 5k started after us so I had to be prepared to be passed by them too :( Wasn't sure of the route as there was no map - I hate that because I am such a visual person but I just trusted the race. 

I have run in the park system a million times so I knew the path and they had big kilometers signs up.  I made sure that I clicked my watch at every kilo marker so that I could only watch my pace.  It was all about 7:30 today because my goal was 1:15.  I needed to remain under or near 7:30/kilometer in order to hit my goal. 

The first km sucked and I was not breathing well and already had my stupid heart rate and temperature go way up (something I will be discussing tomorrow with my endocrinologist.).  Once I hit the first kilo marker I looked down to see 6:33, holy smokes, I am OK and doing well.  The rest of the kilometers flew by 7:00, 7:09, 7:24, 7:23 holy @#$% I was at 5k and still way ahead of plan.  

7:32, 7:44 and then I saw my friend Rene's husband and kids who cheered for me so I told the kids to pull me along (Rene's 7 year old son said no because I would be too heavy) it was so cute.  They kept running and cheering all the way to the 8k marker 7:48.  I passed the start/finish line and started to see people heading back - nice change as I was not alone anymore.  I hit Saturn park and all of a sudden a teaching friend Alicia came out of no where from another charity event.  She said hey and ran with me all the way to the 9k marker chatting and encouraging me, 7:46.  I was now 1k from the finish, and feeling amazing.  I rounded the final corner and could hear Rene and Glen yelling "go Zed go"  Glen ran beside me saying, "look at the clock it is only 1:13 and you are killing your goal".  I crossed the line and hit my watch - it said 1:13:41.  SWEET!!! (official clock race time says 1:13:46)

I did it.  I finally set a running goal, stuck to a plan and did a PB.  I realize this is no big deal to anyone else and real runners are thinking "what a slow poke" but really I do not care as it was about sticking to a plan and executing it.  December 2009 I ran a 1:21, May 2011 1:17 and today 1:13 - progress!

I also practiced several skills that I have read about and been working on.  One was pacing up a hill and then really "giving it" for the top 1/3 and the other was every once in a while sprinting in order to engage your fast twitch muscles. 

I could not be happier or prouder of finally having a break through with my running. 

Chicago training starts next Sunday and I bought myself a brand new Garmin in order to pace and distance really well.  5:45 on Sunday, October 9 2011 is totally possible now!

Back In The Saddle

Today I ran the 10k race of the Forest City Road races. There were many races; 1/2, 10k, 5k, and 1k. All my Biggest Loser friends from Olympic Fitness were there and I wanted to see where I am at with my fitness level after the past 4 months. I have only been running the past couple of weeks but I have been trying to walk and ride my bike to stay active.

The weather was horrible. Two minutes before the race started it poured and continued the whole race plus it was so windy. I was totally soaked and the weight from my shoes, shirt and socks weighed me down. I was remembering that 1 year ago we were in Cincinnati running the Flying Pig 1/2 marathon and we had such great races and fun.

Last night I met the girls and some cycling friends for dinner and I was feeling so excited. However, I did not sleep at all - happens before every race.

Needless to say with all my races there was some good news and bad news.

Good news - set a personal best time
Bad news - still took me 1:17:13
Good news - no pain what so ever
Bad news - I have lost the ability to "get into another gear"
Good news - I wasn't last
Bad news - finished 432/463
Good news - almost kept my pace at my goal of 7:30
Bad news - my pace was 7:46
Good news - wasn't last in my age group or last women
Bad news - I did finish 31/35 in my age group and 289/316 in my gender group
Good news - Lish paced me thru the first 3k at sub 7 pace
Bad news - when she left I fell right off
Good news - I did not do my 10:1s
Bad news - had to walk up the Talbot street hill

I have a lot of work to do before June 5th when Chicago marathon training starts. I will be running the Run For the House 10k race on May 29th and will run 1:15!!!!

I am heading back to work tomorrow and I will do my best to stay positive and be life balanced.

Hugs