Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A day to forget, A day to remember

Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new... but who can understand and measure its sharp breath, its mystery and its design? ~Paracelsus

Today marks my first anniversary.  Has it been a year?  A year marked with highs and lows, happiness and sadness, accomplishments and failures.  A year of reflection, doubt, wonderings and pity, all wrapped into a scarred persona.  While most anniversaries are celebrated, this one is marked with great personal reflection.

I think about the families of the victims of 911 - every year the anniversary of that tragic event is played out in the news for weeks.  Katrina, Christmas tsunami, Montreal, tragic events that stays with people year after year.  How do they cope?  How do they get through the anniversary day?  Do they mark the event with a moment of silence?  Do they try and not acknowledge it?  Have they found their positives? Their truth? Their why?

I continue to search..... 

I remember my first wedding anniversary.  You know, the one represented by paper.  We didn't have a lot of money and Lennie made me a card and some paper coupons.  Yes, coupons for hugs etc. but it was very adorable and thoughtful.  I made him a calendar with all kinds of photos and special dates highlighted in it.  I do not know if he liked it but I loved it and still have it in our scrap booking album.  To me, being married for almost 19 years is such a great accomplishment - the fact that someone put up with me for so long amazes me - I do love celebrating this day.  Dinner, gifts, cake, and fun, all to make the day very special each June 26th.  I love this anniversary. 

My second favourite annual events involve annual family parties - my mom and her sisters take turns hosting Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. For over 40 years, our family has done a potluck and gathered for an afternoon to catch up with our aunts, uncles, cousins, and their kids. We eat, drink, and spend most of the time laughing at ourselves (or our parents). It amazes me how the events have evolved over the years and how you wouldn't dare miss one because there is so much catching up to do.

I don't, however, really like celebrating much else. I really don't like parties, because I always overindulge. I am not a fan of birthdays because I always eat too much cake - to be honest I totally forget people's birthdays - just ask my friend Coco who I called on Saturday to wish a Happy Birthday and it was the wrong date again! February 12 February 12 February 12 - why do I think that it is on February 11??!!! Last year I called on February 10th - you would think I would have it right by now.

I don't like surprise either, mostly, because I can't stand surprises - just ask Lennie about the time in Ottawa when he hid in my closet and popped out when I came home from work. Or, the day he made me look at a game on the computer that turned out to a devil jumping out at you - I screamed so loud I hurt my throat, peed my pants, and punched him in the arm swearing to never speak to him again - I totally lost my senses - surprises are band from our home!

So today, an anniversary.  An anniversary that most people would want to forget because you really wished the day never happened.  The anniversary of the moment that you relive over and over again in your mind and that you see play out in movies (check out 50/50, One Week and My Life)

10:25am Tuesday, February 15, 2011 cancer diagnosis - black, tunnel, numbness, no senses, time stands still, why, why me, why now, but, but, but.....

So, there will be no cake, party, or card. Just a day to reflect.  A day to see pass.  A day to acknowledge but not dwell.  A day to forget.  A day to remember.

Time heals what reason cannot. ~Seneca

I look forward to next year when the scar is a little less noticeable, the feelings a little less painful, and more light brought into the day.

Hugs to all