Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What was I thinking?

I, unfortunately, do not have the greatest memory when it comes to conversations.  I can remember the gist of what was said but not word for word like so many people.  I would suck as a witness for a crime or being on a jury as my mind wanders off.  I am terrible in arguments because I can never recall what was said and I never have a comeback.  I always wanted to be able to say, "Oh yeah, well, do you remember when you said..." but I never remember what was said so I just give in most of the time. 
I can however, remember the most profound things ever said to me and rely on them constantly as positives memories during low times and those periods of sadness or inspiration in times of reflection.

  •  I remember the first time Lennie said to me, "I love you."  It was in my parents sun room in 1989 and it was wonderful.  I knew that I loved him the minute I met him but it took him a little longer - anyone who knows me knows that I take a little getting use to and a while to figure out.  I grew on him :)
  • I remember Bill Parteger, a basketball coach told me, "You have potential".  I was in grade 7, really awkward and looking for my place in the world.  I got invited to this cool basketball camp at St. Lawrence PS and met Bill.  I didn't even know what potential meant and my dad had to explain it to me but I remember thinking that someone finally thinks I have a talent.  Bill coached me into high school and to this day regard him as the kindest, most generous teacher I ever had.
  • I remember a student telling me, "I hate you." and another who said, "I would rather die than be in your class." during very difficult times in their lives and their words taught me that kindness and patience with my students is my only job 100% of the time.
  • I remember my friend Brewer's words to me last summer, "The opposite of shame is forgiveness."  I often recall these words when I am feeling so low or guilt ridden as they have brought me much clarity in my life.
  • I remember Dr. Graham from Althouse college calling me in 2006 to say, "You have been awarded the Associate Teacher award of Excellence."  I remember thinking that I had finally brought pride to my family as a teacher.
  • I recall Dr. Nicols' words on February 15, 2011 when he shared, "Your tumor was a cancerous one." Best thing that ever happened to me.  So happy it happened to me and not Lennie, my family or friends as I am a better patient than supporter.  I also needed the wind knocked out of my sails for a while to really remember what is important in life. 
So here is the big problem. 

Dr. Rachinski, my endocrinologist, back in May, when asked if I will be able to run a marathon again told me, "Sure you can run one but you will not be able to perform like before."  What?  Perform like before?  I sucked before and I am going to be worst!!!!!!  Arggggg I can't be any slower.  I decided in June that I would "show her" and worked really hard the past 12 weeks. 

This past weekend was really important as we had a 32km run on our schedule.  We decide to participate in the Runner's Choice group run in which you run from Lambeth to Port Stanley.  Last year, we completed this run and I wrote a blog reflecting on my success.  I remember feeling so strong (having just returned from 3 weeks at Fitness Ridge probably helped too)  http://catherinegoestofitnessridge.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-can-actually-run.html

Well, it sucked and it took me 4:55 to complete the same distance that I covered in 4:24 last year.  Holy smokes, at this rate I will never finish Chicago in 6:30 nor hit my goal of 5:59 or my project 43 plan (take 43 minutes off my time from last year).  Last weekend's 30km race didn't help either since it took me longer to complete that race than my 30km Chicago time. 

The whole run as I started to really feel tired (and mostly hungry) I could hear Dr. Rachinski's words in my head, "you won't be able to perform as before, you won't be able to perform as before."  Shut up!!! But I couldn't crack the words.  They wouldn't leave my mind. 

I know what you are going to say..it's only a Sunday run, you were hungry, you still have 5 weeks to go... blah blah blah.  To me, the words are stuck.

So tough that running is 90% mental.  Even having 3 surgeries this year, I have run over 1000km and my mind has tested me for every single one of them.  What was I thinking!!?!